Still Waiting

Friday, July 01, 2005

i'm damn pissed this morning. so so so pissed. so pissed that i accidentally kicked my little toe against the door rails, and it hurts damn much ok. had to wear slippers to school instead.

and i HAD this bloody pimple on ABOVE my upper lip. it hurts as well.

issit that when my heart doesnt hurt that much when i'm angry, it means other parts of my body is gonna hurt more to make up for that pain??

i'm just wishing you good luck, cant you be more appreciative? well, by sending THAT sms, why don't you might as well tell me not to disturb ur life ANYMORE instead of saying only important stuff? u know i wouldn't have much important stuff to say. even if something happens to me or i got admitted to hospital, i suppose you would even care. perhaps when i'm dead, you'll come to my funeral. that is ALL. huh? yeah? so when i'm dead, how am i suppose to sms you. i'm mad ok. so angry. a series of unhappy stuff abt you.. and now, i really dun wanna care anymore. WHATEVER happens to you, i will tell myself never to care already. for the heartbroken part, i'll deal with it silently. perhaps i shall even psycho myself to believe all the places we've once been too, all the things we've seen, all the secrets we shared, all the conversations we had as a beautiful dream. believe that it has never existed.

so had listening compre today, and later i went to hui's house with some of my friends to watch VCDs, yups.. wasnt that great la actually.. eye 10 was funny.. lol.. but kind of scary though. ok.. cant remember the content much.. so slack around her house.. and then we went home..

anyways. i cant contain the anger inside me now.. I'M GOING TO EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GUYS ARE FREAKING VISUAL CREATURES.

they see it, they like it, and they want it. they don't care whether it's of use OR NOT.

that's why u normally see guys asking for a girl's number instead of the opposite. actually wanted to blog this morning but i had no time.

anyways. back to the story. i'm soooo angry. cant stand it any longer.

why?? why must guys be visual creatures?? sighs. i was talking to my sister about that poly person who wanted to know me. so my sis told me, "you better not know him hor.. for he is only interested in looks.." (well, in this case the guy thinks i'm a chio bu, which in fact he should have known better than to disbelieve i'm a pig.)

me: ya lor.. aiya.. but looks are considered everything lor.. you think carefully, everything in the society, comes in packaging de lor! everything must be nice den will attract pple ma!
sis: no. looks aren't everything, it's the FIRST thing.
me: hmm... true, but still, usually looks are the first thing, and then EVERYTHING.
sis: aiya whatever la. i wanna sleep already.

so yups. that was what we said. i think it's quite true. looks are ALWAYS the first thing. don't say its not its not. looks always comes FIRST. even price discrimination goes for looks.(econs)

but still, when looks are the first thing already, then it will be everything. just like to say, love. when its is the first thing that makes opposite poles attract, then subsequently when the two get together, looks becomes a normal thing and soon before you know it, looks becomes everything. tell u to date a balding man and a hunk. which one would you choose? ok some may choose the balding man, but surely most of you will choose the hunk. here it goes, looks again. expectations and everything.

cant i ever find a man who loves me for my inner character, and is willing to disregard my looks and treat it like a plus factor? why take it for granted?!?!?!

SIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i guess i can only find such a man if they are really blind!!!!!!!! GOD!!! TELL ME WHY THINGS WORK IN SUCH A WAY.

really really hate you. why does things have to end in such a way? we can choose to make it better, but u didnt!! whatever, since you want it this way, i respect you. i follow suit. like an idiot.

sad ending. songs ALWAYS say.. "when you believe, miracle happens."

there are real life examples too. i don't need to say it all, but you get what i mean. yay..when u see miracles, you feel happy/touched/moved/everything good. but... did you guys ever see those sad cases where miracles doesnt happen? we just get this incident off our head by saying, oh... sad ending..

see what i mean? even if we believe, miracles may not turn out. and lets see. the rates of miracles is so so much less then sad endings. sighs. weitian says, u shall wait if you believe, but i advise you not to wait. i know even if i tell u not to wait, u'll still wait because there isnt anymore things u can do, or wish to do.

me: "yeah.."

so i wait. and wait. and wait. and wait. and wait. and wait. and wait. and wait. and wait.

wait till my brown hair all drops and i cant even stand properly?

tian says, "if someone better comes along, just choose that better someone.. dont be stuck waiting for him okie?"

i say... i'm still stuck with waiting. haiz. WHY. why must i always let my heart believe a lie? why must i always seek comfort in lies and everything bad? why cant i choose others? u know.. i'm beginning to feel i'm utterly useless. to you, i have to say something.. if u find someone in future, whoever she is, please never break her heart if u know you cant catch her heart. and in the past, perhaps we shouldnt be moving so fast at all in the first place. cant help but think, perhaps we have done something different back then, the situation now may not be this bad.

so i'll be telling myself, i have nothing at the start, so now losing you is nothing. for i should be contented enough to have once experienced it with you. thats what i say, and thats what i MUST say..

i will try accepting others. only when i feel comfortable with them. like the old usual feeling. WAIT.

so much regrets, but i must remain happy. i must be happy.

why cant human be contented with what he has? =( because of selfishness i guess. because one is selfish, so naturally they will want to keep their favourites for themselves. ugly side huh? :( hmm..

i've learnt one new thing. in love, never ever make any promises that you arent sure you can fufil. especially guys. never promise anything good, because when girls really break down and wish to get back, they will keep thinking of the promises you once said and she'll cling on to that senselessly. and when i get into another relationship, i shant say i will love him forever. cos.. forever doesnt exist at all. in this world, nothing is forever.

don't say true love is forever, cos u don't know how long forever takes. it can be as long as you want, and when time ends, you will find that your true love is actually not the him/her.

sad huh? but still.. without such sweet words.. will love sustain? can love last? haiz. love is damn complicated. what i know is just the tip of an iceberg... shit me.. iceberg.. ARGH.... seriously, i need someone to slap me from my dreams.. dunno why i keep falling back. shucks. someone please give me a tight slap.

fine.. gtg and deal with my sadness. set some rules for me not to fall in love anymore. my sis told me something which is very true.. "don't give them a chance to be your partner, don't give them a chance to hurt you.." yes.. very true.. shant give anyone a chance. till someone i know who cant hurt me comes along. does it necessarily means i have to love him less so i wouldnt get hurt? hmmm. another thing to ponder over again.

-when are you coming back? ;